Are you trying to say that if fewer people have guns then fewer people will break the law with guns?

A successful essay will:
Be written in standard MLA form: 12-point font, Times New Roman, double-spaced, 1-inch margins
Have a proper heading: Your name, my name, the class, the date
At least four pages, not including your Works Cited
Avoid first and second person POV
Be free of grammatical errors that affect readability
Include in-text citations and a Works Cited page. You may use this video to help you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TnUdbvIJ-I If you use a site like Easybib, you MUST check to be sure it is correct. Often, these sites make errors.
TEACHERS FEEDBACK TO FIX FROM ROUGH DRAFT: (attached)

Pay attention to your grammar. Capitalization rules and comma rules are easy to overlook, so sometimes it is helpful to have someone else check for those kinds of errors. In the first sentence, country should not be capitalized, In the second sentence, Second Ammendment should be. These are picky, but you are a good enough writer that focussing on these smaller details will elevate your writing.

Where you state, “Gun violence is a leading cause of increased crime rates in the US,” and any time you make a statelment of fact, you need to cite where you got that information.

“Gun control policies pointtoward the direction of the government regulating laws. WHich will reduce the number of repercussions that come with gun owndership.” Those two sentences don’t make sense. I am not sure you are using the word, :repercussions” correctly there or later in the paragraph. Are you trying to say that if fewer people have guns then fewer people will break the law with guns? Be careful to avoid repeating what you have already said or stating the obvious. In this paragraph, you essentially say that restricting gun ownership will lead to fewer crimes related to gun violence.However you want to say it is fine, but say it only once.

The first three sentences of the next paragraph all repeat the same thing, as well. Your stats are great and support your point. How can you expand (not restate) this point? What about using an anecdote or a comparison? Either of those work well with the facts that you are presenting. Think about the rhetorical tools we observed in the last unit. What tools can you use to bolster your argument?

Oh, this third paragraph is a great example of sing both pathos and logos. Just make sure you quote and use in-text citations for the statistic, “According to surveys conducted by…” What surveys? Which psychiatric services?

Your fourth paragraph is good! Again, you use a great balanceof logos and pathos. Children and statistics are a great combo!

I’m glad you are addressing mass shootings. I don’t know that every community has had an incident, but you could say that every community is affected by mass shootings, right? I believe all schools are required to have intruder drills, but I would have to double-check that to be certain. Anyway, I appreciate your point that mass shootings has impacted us all, even if not directly.

Okay, confession here – I love the word, “moreover.” But, you can’t start a paragraph with it. Sorry. You can always stick it in somewhere else.
Could you expand that paragraph? Take out the last two sentences; you have already said that. These statistics are really significant! Good find!

I would omit or really think about revising the paragraph about gangs. I have a couple of concerns about this paragraph. One is that you are stating some facts without citation. More importantly, this is actually and area that you could use to be fair to your opposition. This is the biggest point for the “other side” (in my opinion). When Chicago enacted stricter gun laws, the incidents of violent crime went up substantially because the law-abiding citizens did not have protection, but the gangs continued to use guns. I don’t have all of that infor handy right now, but you could find it if you want to. OR, you could just acknowledge that they have a valid point. One of the best ways to make your essay strong is to fairly acknowledge the opposition’s viewpoint and give credit where it is due.

In your next to last paragraph, check that statistic. I believe I read that most Americans support some form of gun control. Make sure that when you make a statement of fact that you have a source and that you cite that source. (I could be wrong about the fact, but that is why you need the source.)

AND, finally, we don’t say, “In conclusion” or “To summaraize” or anything like that. Just write that last paragraph.

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