Final Commentary Exercise

Below is feedback from teacher:
Title: I get where you’re going, but be more specific. What you mean by “solving incarceration?” It seems from your introduction that you are putting a focus on mass incarceration of African Americans. This needs to be reflected in your title. Still, the argument can be more specific. What are you arguing needs to be done to address the issue of mass incarceration of African Americans? That should be reflected in your title. From reading the rest of your paper it sound like you are arguing for addressing the racism that leads to disproportionate incarceration of African Americans. If so, that can be reflected in your title.
Introduction: Your introduction should summarize 1. your argument, 2. why the argument needs to be acted upon, and 3. how the argument can be acted upon. These pieces are a bit difficult to identify at the moment. The paragraph that starts with “the mass imprisonment of African Americans impacts every single one of us..” needs to be revised. I think the sentence that says “these offenders are more likely to wreak havoc on our neighborhoods due to their re-entry” seems problematic. On one hand you are arguing against incarceration, but you are also saying that these African Americans who are incarcerated will wreak havoc in our neighborhoods once they come back home? In the next sentence you talk about COVID. This is confusing. Make sure you are presenting your thoughts in a clear, aligned, and organized manner.
Why it needs to be done: There need to be citations for every idea that is not your own. Be careful about making generalized statements like “prison is a given for African American men in their twenties.” Use sub-headings to separate your thoughts under this section. Make sure the evidence in this section directly related to your argument once you modify it.
How it can be done: You have a good start to your ideas here, but separate your thoughts using sub-headings. Talk more about how racism can be addressed at the institutional level (in the justice system) in addition to the ideas you present about what individuals can do

Additional feedback that needs to be incorporated
However, as my suggestion, I would love for you to touch a little more on the history of policing in the Black/African American community, and how this has caused severe mental illness (SMI) including PTSD that remains stagnant within the community.
Another suggestion would be to explain how Black/African Americans parents have to have the uncomfortable conversation with their children unlike others regarding how to respond to not only police but just about anyone in the community who oftentimes prejudge just based on the color of one’s skin. Additionally, why do you believe one (1) hour per day would be sufficient enough to study racial inequity, and what are some activities individuals’ can do in their community to assist with diminishing these disparities.

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