Ok, Grace, I’m reading & giving feedback in pieces, so please bear with me as I add comment boxes below this one.
First, remember that a thesis has to name the essay’s topic, our opinion on that issue. It can also include the reasons why you hold that opinion. However, it can’t be an announcement such as you have here. Announcements aren’t used in college writing, such as, “In this essay, I will discuss…” or “This paper is about….” Instead, readers look to your thesis for your viewpoint on the topic. Tutors can be VERY helpful in revising our thesis statements. They have lots of experience writing thesis statements! You can schedule tutoring by calling (213) 763-3754. Don’t hesitate to call them because I want you to succeed in this class, and you need solid essay structure to do that.
Theresa Dolan , Aug 7 at 7:01pm
Never refer to a source by their first names only; the film’s director is Professor Roy Germano, and that’s the name you need to cite. The other director’s name is backwards on your works cited page & in your intro. His correct name is Neill Blomkamp. Neill is his first name. You can refer to a source by their last names alone after you first introduce their full names in a signal phrase. You are required to introduce their texts (the movie titles) the first time you mention the source, also. For example, In his film District 9, director Neill Blomkamp shows….
Names on the works cited page are last name first, comma, then first name, period.
Theresa Dolan , Aug 7 at 7:16pm
Open every body paragraph with a topic sentence. It can’t be a quote. It has to give one reason for your thesis opinion. Refer to the assigned 14-part essay structure, or ask tutors to help you with the structure because I want you to pass this course!
Indent every paragraph half an inch according to MLA Format.
You’re repeatedly referring to “Neill and Roy” in the essay, but the information you’re presenting does NOT come from their films. You need to match every single quote or summary to its correct source, and use the 3-part quote sandwich model to cite it correctly.
Theresa Dolan , Aug 7 at 7:21pm
This is an okay start, but it’s not ready for submission as a draft. You need to care enough to put your critical thinking into this work and remain focused as you’re writing so your work makes sense and reflects your true intellectual abilities. I know you can do better, Grace! You’ll benefit from tutoring; don’t feel you have to do it all alone.
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